Archive me.
I am not capable of grammatical errors. Any “typo” reflects my emotional state at the time I was writing, which is important to convey. I thought you were smart enough to get that.
“
| — | (via clientsfromhell) |
So VICE just nabbed five Webby Awards this year, which is one more reminder that when it comes to stuff on internet, we are the only media makers that matter. Even though there was never any doubt that we’re head and shoulders above the competition, we want to thank each and every one of you out there who took the time to vote and send us to our rightful position at the top.
You can check out the official announcement of our winnings at the Webby Awards site. But here is a quick rundown:
The VICE Guide to Congo received top honors in the News & Politics category, snatching the Official Webby Award and the People’s Voice Award. And the VICE and Intel collaboration, The Creator’s Project, ruled the Music category, receiving both the Official Webby Award and the People’s Voice Award. TCP also won the Official Webby Award for the Branded Content category. On top of all of that, VICE’s culinary show Munchies and VICE’s music channel Noisey both received two Webby Honoree awards. The Official Awards are selected by a panel of luminaries assembled by the International Academy of Digital Arts and Sciences. While the People’s Voice Awards are chosen by fine folks like you.
We’ll be picking up our peculiar looking trophies at the official Webby ceremony hosted by Patton Oswald. You can watch it all live on May 21st at 4:30 PM at the Webby Awards website.
In the meantime, take another gander at our superb and now award-winning documentary, The VICE Guide to Congo.
Today, March 14, is Steak and Blow Job Day. If you didn’t know that already, I pity you. But don’t worry, I won’t leave you in the dark: Steak and Blow Job Day is an American tradition, a day when straight guys can escape the tyranny of feminist constructs like Valentine’s Day.
Traditionally Steak and Blow Job Day is a day when millions of straight guys get together to suck each other’s dicks with steak in their mouths.
Society may say that it’s wrong for millions of straight men to break free from their macho straitjackets to enjoy succulent, meaty oral sex for 24 hours. But society doesn’t understand how exhausting it is for us to project an image of stultifying heteronormativity at all times. That’s why society doesn’t understand a bunch of cute, straight guys in hilarious T-shirts taking ONE DAY out of the year to say, “Hey man, good job. Wanna put your penis in my mouth? It’ll go real well with that steak that’s in there already.”
For years, the world has had to stand back and tolerate the carnival of male oppression known as “marriage” that women use to keep us face-down in the dirt. It’s a sad fact that Planet Earth has forgotten about the straight man. It’s a niche world, my friend, and what with all the gays, and the women, and the animals vying for attention, the straight man is being ignored.
That in mind, I’ve put together a list of other majority celebration days that I think we could all wish into existence if we close our eyes and concentrate really, really hard. After all, if a straight man can win the right to eat meat and receive oral sex, anything’s possible.WHITE HISTORY MONTH
Slavery this, emancipation that. Why is everyone so fixated on black history these days? White history is so much less stressful. Did you guys know, for instance, that in 1750, white people were mostly totally fine? And that, in 1256, white people were also mostly totally fine? But I suppose, oh, we can’t celebrate that because NWA didn’t write a song about it.
STRAIGHT PRIDE MARCH
If the gays don’t want to suck my dick on Steak and Blow Job Day, then frankly they don’t deserve their own festival. Let’s cancel Gay Pride and get some hetero dick sucking going on instead.INTERNATIONAL DAY OF PEOPLE WHO AREN’T DISABLED
You guys know how much tax money has been used in the last 50 years to make public spaces and buildings more accessible to non-disabled people? NONE, that’s how much. So why, after demanding ramps in maybe 5 percent of Western buildings, do disabled guys ALSO get a whole international day to themselves? Let’s reclaim it for able-bodied people everywhere.
WORLD HAVEN’T-GOT-CANCER DAY
Do I have cancer? No! Do you have cancer? No! So let’s have a party! I never understood why anyone would want to celebrate cancer, anyway. At least not for 24 whole hours.
HOLOCAUST FORGETTING DAY
Imagine if people could just forget this whole thing even happened. Meeting German people wouldn’t be nearly as awkward.
INTERNATIONAL DAY FOR CHILDREN WITH HOMES
Let’s take a minute to think about all the children suffering in their homes.
WORLD HIV NEGATIVE DAY
How about we start a day to celebrate people who’re going to live long enough to be grateful.
WORLD ENDANGERING ANIMALS DAY
For one day we will eat animals. We will hunt animals. We will have a party. We will have fun. We will feel free.
WORLD MENTALLY STABLE DAY
Mentally stable people are the backbone of our society, and it’s nuts to suggest otherwise.PS: If you already knew it was Steak and Blowjob Day, odds are, you’re a prick. Happy prick day, you prick.
Please make also-rans a regular feature, these are amazing.
Welcome to our first edition of the Newsweek also-rans, a brand new nwk tumblr feature from our friends in the art department!
Here’s Dirk Barnett, Newsweek & The Daily Beast’s Creative Director:
Every week we produce anywhere from 10-20 different cover ideas until we settle on what works best or as the story develops, so at the end of each week we wind up with a proverbial wastebasket full of scrapped concepts.
The week’s cover, “The Politics of Sex,” is a perfect example to kick this off. These directions are a combination of ideas generated in-house and commissions to various illustrators, designers, studios, ad agencies, etc. This week, we tapped the creative minds at ad agency Hill Holiday and the design studio Dress Code, as well as renowned book designer Rodrigo Corral. Take a look at what’s left on our cutting room floor this week. Enjoy!
Here’s the cover that made newsstands this week. Which of the also-rans is your favorite?
[Design credits, from top left: Dress Code, Dress Code, Hill Holiday, Hill Holiday, Hill Holiday, Rodrigo Corral, Rodrigo Corral]
Ode to a Richmond Parking Attendant
It’s great to see someone enjoying their job. My parking guy just writes tickets.
Be a follower.
Our friends at Random House Children’s Books have generously agreed to donate one brand-new book for each new follower we gain on Tumblr, Facebook, and Twitter this week. Those books will go to thousands of schools and programs serving kids from low-income families across the country.
Please Re-blog!
Before he was grinnin’ on Hee Haw, Buck was the man.
So good. From the days of live TV before anyone would make sure you weren’t a sweaty mess with your tie askew.
Buck Owens - “Love’s Gonna Live Here”
The late Don Rich made a Tele sound more like a Tele than pretty much anyone. Man deserves to be way better known and remembered.
